Jacqueline, I genuinely don't think you understand how important meeting you today was. I was having an absolutely horrible fucking day. A blown tire, a broken heart, and what I've decided to call a STACK ATTACK. A panic attack, heart attack, brain attack, soul attack, and spiritual attack all at once. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and wanting the comfort of the one person I wished could be there.
I wasn't out looking for some big life-changing moment. I was just trying to get through the damn day. And then there you were.
You told me about your walk, your autism, your CPTSD, and why you're doing what you're doing. And I'm standing there thinking, are you fucking kidding me right now? Of all the people in the world, I just happen to meet somebody who understands so much of what I've been carrying?
I told you things I haven't even been able to tell somebody I've been seeing professionally for months. Not because you fixed anything. Because you understood. The hypervigilance, the hyperfixation, the senses that never seem to turn off, and what it means to love somebody so intensely that it's hard to explain.
And you reminded me that not everybody feels everything the way I do. Not everybody can process love at the same speed. Patience matters. Including patience with myself.
I'm not hiding in that picture. I'm not toning myself down or apologizing for being autistic, emotional, intense, gay, or just plain fucking me. I felt understood, and for that moment I was completely okay with being seen.
It even happened in the same town as somebody I care about so deeply. I shared that picture with him because I wanted him to see what acceptance can look like. Not to prove I could be happy without him. To show him that being seen for all you are doesn't have to be terrifying. It can be beautiful. I don't know what's going on inside his head, and I won't pretend I do. But I know what that moment meant to me.
Your mission reminded me of mine.
You have been walking for hundreds of days to raise awareness for autism and CPTSD. I still can't get over the fact that you were out there walking for people like me and actually met one of us in the middle of a really hard day. You didn't just talk about awareness. You made somebody feel it.
And when you downloaded my album right in front of me and said you wanted to support my music, you reminded me of something I've been losing sight of lately: I have a mission too.
Yours takes you across the country on foot. Mine comes out through music, poetry, artwork, and the things I've survived. I might not be badass enough to walk as far as you have. I'm a gay man with a whole lot of gay things still to do, for fuck's sake. 😂 But I can keep making something real out of everything I've lived through.
Today you reminded me that even if I find myself homeless, heartbroken, or in the middle of absolute hell, I can still take another step. Maybe not the same step you're taking. But a step forward.
Meeting you reminded me of meeting Lex. It was that rare feeling of being understood without having to spend forever explaining myself. Lex and my little Mocha are two huge reasons I'm still here fighting. And now, whether you realize it or not, you've become part of that story too.
Only this time, I got to watch the person who helped me shoulder her pack and continue her own damn journey. And there's something really beautiful about that.
A song this day helped inspire
Thanks Jenny
I have a song coming called Thanks Jenny. This meeting is part of why I needed to write it. It's about love, heartbreak, getting lost in somebody, being understood by somebody else, and remembering I still have a whole life and a mission ahead of me.
I want the people who hear it to know where that realization came from. You helped give me the courage to keep moving, Jacqueline. I'm not going to pretend that's a small thing.
Song forthcoming — no release date announced
So, thank you.
Thank you for stopping. Thank you for letting me tell the truth without making me feel like I was too much. Thank you for reminding me that I can feel everything I feel and still keep going. And thank you for seeing me, all of me, right there in Sheffield.
I hope I gave you something worth carrying with you too. I hope you know your walk is doing exactly what you set out to do, because you made a difference to somebody today. Me.
Keep walking, girl. I'll keep creating. And maybe between the two of us, we'll help somebody else feel a little less alone.
Thank you for being so beautifully fucking unhinged. 💜
With love,
Be Chills